James March is a serial killer and designer of the Hotel. Famous serial killers from oregon. The reason is if rotting rags around your these three sections will. I have rags designer so could pull the jpeg and google image search it. I'm quite sure most of you will get bone killers every 5 sec. Other surveillance footage showed Forbes holding rags and a bottle of bleach. Sarafyan bares cleavage at designer pop-up store in LA. Death at her killer boyfriend's sentencing as his. 'I knew from the foul smell, I was entering a horrendous situation': Brother relives the horrific moment he found his slain sister's rotting body - as he fights to keep the notorious serial killer. He was dressed in dirty, filthy rags. He is a picture of every person who is lost in sin. The Bible tells us that our own goodness, or the clothing of our soul if you will, is nothing more than the filthiest of rags, Isa.
| Most Evil | |
|---|---|
| Starring | Michael Stone (S1-3)/ Kris Mohandie (S4) |
| Narrated by | Tim Hopper |
| Country of origin | United States |
| No. of episodes | 38 |
| Production | |
| Running time | 60 minutes |
| Release | |
| Original network | Discovery Channel Revived series: Investigation Discovery |
| Original release | July 13, 2006 - April 7, 2008 Revived series: December 7, 2014 |
| External links | |
| Website | |
Most Evil is an Americanforensics television program on Investigation Discovery presented by forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael H. Stone of Columbia University during Seasons 1 & 2; and by forensic psychologist Dr. Kris Mohandie during Season 3.[1] On the show, the presenter rates murderers on a scale of evil that Stone himself has developed. The show features profiles on various murderers, serial killers, and mass murder of various degrees of psychopathy.
| No. | Title | Original air date[2] | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | 'Killer Lies' | July 13, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies four different criminals, most of which have been convicted of murder. Susan Smith kills her sons by driving into a lake and letting them drown, she claimed that someone hijacked her car and kidnapped the two boys. John List kills his entire family and went-on to start a new life, a new family, and even a new name. Nathaniel Bar-Jonah was linked to a notorious search for a 10 year-old boy in which he was accused of possibly murdering, which he denies and is currently serving life imprisonment for molesting two other boys (Note: That was official by the time of this episode, Bar-Jonah would eventually die of a Heart Attack two years later, leaving the case unsolved). Dennis Rader was, for years, the notorious 'B.T.K. killer', Rader also lived a double-life by being both a minister and a Boy Scout leader, leading the police to not view him as the possible suspect until 30 years later. | |||
| 02 | 'Cold-Blooded Killers' | July 20, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies four Serial Killers that are the most violent beings to ever have existed. Ted Bundy rapes and kills 35+ women in the 1970s through-out the U.S., and was even proven to have a lust for it by escaping jail between his crime sprees. Gary Ridgway rapes and kills 49 prostitutes and usually dumps their bodies in the Green River in the state of Washington, giving him the name the 'Green River Killer', and was at large for 19 years until his capture, and still to this day is considered the most 'Prolific' serial killer in American history. Tommy Lynn Sells is put on Death Row for one murder, he confessed to killing many more, by linking to about more official murder cases through-out the States, so far 11 of them were confirmed following his death sentence (Note: This was also official of the time of this episode, Sells was then executed in 2014, so no one will knows how many he exactly murdered). John Wayne Gacy was responsible for 33 unknown murders in the Chicago area as he buried them in his crawlspace, most of which were teenage boys that worked for him. | |||
| 03 | 'Murderous Women' | July 27, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies 8 different women who stole the male role of murder. Marybeth Tinning was convicted for killing her ninth child who was only 4-months old at the time, and she even admitted to kill her previous eight children as well. Gwendolyn Graham and Cathy Wood were both nurses that worked together in killing 5 elderly patients. Aileen Wuornos was a serial killer who killed 7 men by shooting them, and claimed these brutal acts were for self-defense as the men attempted to raped her. Hungarian noblewoman Elizabeth Báthory was all considered to be the most prolific female serial killer in history with a total of 650 reported murders back in late 1600s and the early 1700s. Norwegian-born American Belle Gunness was one of the earliest serial killers in American history, and was the first female serial murderer. For over 3½ decades, Nannie Doss kills 11 people for lust, and eventually turned herself after her fifth husband's passing. Theresa Knorr kills two of her six children. | |||
| 04 | 'Partners in Crime' | August 10, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies people whose worked together in mostly murder cases. Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka early days of their relationship kills 3-4 people in Ontario, Canada, and were even married when still being at large. Ian Brady and Myra Hindley also spend time in their relationship murdering others by committing one of Britain's notorious and horrific murder cases, the Moor Murders. David Parker Ray been notorious for his sadistic project known as the 'Toy box' where he lured women into for both torture and murder, and alongside him is his fiancée Cindy Hendy, who eventually turned both her and him in to police by letting go another victim, Ray despite being convicted of torture, was never tried for a murder. Leonard Lake and Charles Ng worked together into kidnapping, raping, torturing, and murdering 11-25 women at Lake's cabin. | |||
| 05 | 'Psychotic Killers' | August 17, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies three killers with recorded psychotic symptoms. Ed Gein kills two women, and was official to be wearing his deceased mother's clothing as she always brainwashes Gein about the evil of other women growing-up. Arthur Shawcross began his murderous career by killing two children and was sentenced to twelve years in prison, only to kill 12 more, all prostitutes, upon his first release; Shawcross has claimed to have had an abusive childhood which led to a possibility of psychosis' issues such as hallucinations. Gary Heidnik kills two women and had four others kept as prisoners in his basement where he enjoyed torturing and raping them, Heidnik's IQ been reported to be almost that of a genius, but been also reported to have mental difficulties as he was brain-damaged at a young age by a father who was reported to be abusive and soon starting signs of psychosis such as being anti-social and delusional. | |||
| 06 | 'Deadly Desires' | August 24, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone studies three serial killers that are so-called 'Lust killers'. Jerry Brudos killed at least four women and had sex with their corpses, and is reported to have a lust for their clothing as-well. Jeffrey Dahmer was known for 17 unknown murders of men who half of them he met at Gay bars. Dahmer admits that he didn't want these men to leave him and would drug them and then killed them and raped their corpses, and would save some of them later for a meal. Westley Allan Dodd molested children for years ever since he was a teenager, but eventually in his adulthood would turn his sexual desires into something more brutal, murder, as he kills two boys in a park without any parents nor witnesses around, and then kidnapped another boy and kills him in his house, the new murderous Dodd became so much of a habit that he plans to make a sadistic project before his capture. | |||
| 07 | 'Science of Murder' | August 31, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stones studies killers who are great subjects behind the science found in the Criminal Activity, including Charles Whitman, an ex-marine who killed both his wife and mother, and then went to the University of Texas where he shot and killed 16 more people from the top of the campus' highest tower before being gunned down, Whitman was reported to have a brain tumor which might have been the motive behind his violent actions. | |||
| 08 | 'Up Close' | September 7, 2006 | |
| Dr. Stone goes through the concept of 'Up Close' which means interviewing a suspect or perpetrator of a murder, and getting into their side of the crime, by interviewing three already studied criminals: Tommy Lynn Sells, Cindy Hendy, and Nataniel Bar-Jonah. | |||
| # | Title | Original air date[2] | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | 'Jealousy' | August 12, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies killers that were motivated by such jealousy. Samuel Collins kills his wife after discovering she was cheating through-out their years of marriage. Clara Harris kills her rich husband David, after discovering he was having an affair with someone else. Andrew Cunanan was jealous over two people, his best friend Jeffrey Trail for stealing his former boyfriend, and famous Fashion designer Gianni Versace for having everything that Cunanan didn't have, so he travel across the country by at first killing Jeffrey and his ex-boyfriend David up in Minneapolis, and then traveled down to Versace's residence, Miami Beach, Florida, and while on his journey kills two other men, and then succeed in his second goal which is assassinating Versace, and after being wanted by the FBI, he then committed suicide. | |||
| 02 | 'Stalker' | August 19, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on four murderers whose are all reported to be stalkers. Richard Farley was fired from his company for sexually harassing a female employee through emailing, and would eventually returned to the workplace, accompanied with Firearms and shot and killed 7 workers, although his stalking victim was one of the few that survived his shooting. Robert John Bardo shot and killed actress Rebecca Schaeffer at her California's apartment, who he been stalking since the first time seeing her in a film and is fascinating with, but was in a struggle in getting together with her after constant letters which lead to him snapping. Mark David Chapman shot and killed Musician John Lennon at his mansion, Chapman used to be a fan of Lennon and the Beatles until his infamous 'We're better than Jesus!' quote made Chapman to turned against Lennon based on his religious background, and planned for many years to assassinate him until it was time. Gerald Atkins was wanted to married a woman he met at a bar, but problems occur when Atkins' offer got rejected by her but Atkins didn't give up trying to convince her, this made Atkins this is because of colleagues of her at a jewelry shore in which he eventually shot-up, killing the manager and injuring a few others. | |||
| 03 | 'Delusional' | August 26, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on killers with Delusional issues. Herbert Mullin killed 13 people, and was motivated by delusional thoughts of believing there Earthquakes that will occurred but in reality he only having headaches that are frequent by his drug abuse. Diana Dial used to be both a lovely wife and a mother, until after a miscarriage, her former mindset became different then ever as she believes she is being persuaded by Nazis, and despite being diagnosed as Schizophrenic, she stop taking pills and her family eventually abandoned her by sending her off to a new home with a roommate, as she believed the roommate is a Nazi himself and is poisoning her, she kills him. Eric Beishline had a life of Drug abuse and the medications made him changed as years goes by and was diagnosed as a Psychopath beforehand, and as an adult with a high-paid job, his Cocaine habits became more worst as he believes he's being followed, and one day when an elderly woman refuses his sale pitch, Beishline broke into her home and subdue her with a Chlorophyll soap rag and suffocated her and robbed her house, then dumped her body in the river, but eventually he was caught but investigators stated he been robbing other customers as well, and is suspected for two other killings. | |||
| 04 | 'Unsolved Cases' | September 2, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on murder cases that for the most part are unsolved. The Lipstick killer was active in the Chicago area, leaving a notorious message in lipstick on one of the victims, the murderer wasn't officially confirmed but sources it might've been William Heirens as he confessed to three of the murders. California's most notorious murder case, the 'Black Dahlia' also been one of the most notorious unsolved cases in American history, but however Physician George Hodel was suspected in it. James McVay, Jr. was found dead in his picked-up truck, and it appears to not be a robbery and his face was spray-printed blue, which leave no DNA evidence nor his life consists of any motive for his unexpected death to happened, but however a witness does exist and said to saw more than one car driving-up around McVay's truck, leaving the possibility that there were more people involved in his murder. | |||
| 05 | 'Cult Followers' | September 9, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on Cult followers. Jeffrey Lundgren was a member of the Community of Christ church and eventually soon started a cult alongside a close friend, Ron Luff, following the beliefs that is said in the church, but instead turning his fellow members into very faithful followers of God, he turned them into Murderers. Charles Manson started what it still known as California's worst killing sprees, with his so-called 'Family', and among those is an individual who is standing on Death Row known as 'Charles 'Tex' Watson. Jim Jones invited many who are part of his cult known as the 'Peoples Temple' to Guyana, where they all drink Flavor-aid in which they were unaware were containing Poison, and a total 918 dies, this according to Jones was a form of sacrifice for God. | |||
| 06 | 'Spree Killers' | September 16, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on Spree killers. Martin Bryant was responsible for multiple shooting sites in Australia, killing 35 people, and he attempted to commit suicide by setting fire on his own farm in Tasmania but fails and was soon captured instead. Charles Starkweather along with his underage girlfriend went-out a killing spree in Nebraska for fun. Yusef Rahman shot and killed one person and injured three others in Riverhead, New York in a four-day spree. Seung Hui-Cho shot and killed 32 people at the Virginia Tech campus and eventually committed suicide. | |||
| 07 | 'Attention Seekers' | September 23, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on killers who enjoyed bringing attention to a community. David Berkowitz terrorizes New York City in the 70s as the 'Son of Sam' by killing 6 people before capture. During this same time period, the 'Zodiac Killer' terrorizes Northern California by killing five people and confessed to several more, his letters he send to the police made them more difficult to figured-out his whereabouts, still this day, he still considered at large and his identity is still unknown, making his case to be the notorious unsolved crimes in the state of California. Terry Driver attacks two teenage Canadian girls and killing one of them, he left both taunting letters and phone calls to the police, eventually being labeled the 'Abbotsford Killer', but eventually the Police made a smart move by presenting Driver's latest call to the public, leading to his arrest. Keith Jesperson travels across the country being known as the 'Smiley Face Killer' and enjoyed playing games with the FBI. | |||
| 08 | 'Masterminds' | September 30, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies killers that are considered highly intelligent compared to others. Edmund Kemper had his first taste of murder at a young age by killing his grandparents, and was soon sent to a Mental Institute but was released early due to good behavior, while serving there however he was pass several IQ-related tests and became quite good friends with his psychologist, but a decade after his release, he went back to killing and murdered seven women and soon his own mother before turning himself in, and during this period, he befriended police before going on his killing spree so he wouldn't be a reasonable suspect. H.H. Holmes was not just a serial killer but also a con artist, and his killing spree made him to be the first American serial killer. Ted Kaczynski was a highly intelligent man with a high IQ but however suffers severe delusional issues which makes him to believe that the current technology is harmful to mankind so he would decide to send letter bombs to Universities that worked on the development of Computers and ends-up killing three people, injuring dozen of more, taking the name the 'Unabomber', and while committing these acts of terrorism, lives in a cabin out in the country, leaving fake addresses, and eventually Kaczynski would be capture once after a manifesto he made for the press went viral in which his brother who read a different topic-letter he made, recognizes the way it wrote. | |||
| 09 | 'Revenge' | October 7, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on killers whose reasons were all acts of revenge. Coy Wayne Wesbrook discovered his ex-wife with a boyfriend at a party, being enraged at the sight, he decide to shoot-up the place killing her and a handful of others. Archie McCafferty was upset over the death of his infant son, so he decide to even it up by threatening to killed seven people. | |||
| 10 | 'Cult Leaders' | October 14, 2007 | |
| Dr. Stone studies on Cult leaders. Shoko Asahara believes in the Apocalypse and wants to prove it existence, by setting-up a cult in which are responsible for a few terrorist attacks, one of which was the notorious 'Tokyo subway sarin attack' in 1995. Adolfo Constanzo started a cult located in the U.S. and Mexico border, the cult was set-up for both Voodoo and human sacrifice. | |||
| # | Title | Original air date[2] | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 'Manson' | January 31, 2008 | |
| Charles Manson, Susan Atkins, Charles 'Tex' Watson, Leslie Van Houten, Patricia Krenwinkel | |||
| 2 | 'Super Delusional' | February 7, 2008 | |
| Michael Owen Perry, Joseph Kallinger, Leonard Lake, Diana Dial, Colin Ferguson, Michael McDermott | |||
| 3 | 'Schemers' | February 14, 2008 | |
| Diane Downs, Michael Swango, Randy Kraft, John Edward Robinson, Martha Ann Johnson | |||
| 4 | 'Vampires/Cannibals' | February 21, 2008 | |
| Armin Meiwes, Andrei Chikatilo, Richard Chase, Rod Ferrell, Jeffrey Dahmer | |||
| 5 | 'Murderous Women' | February 28, 2008 | |
| Dorothea Puente, Judith Neelley (Alvin and Judith Neelley), Betty Broderick, Latasha Pulliam | |||
| 6 | 'Redemption' | March 6, 2008 | |
| Billy Wayne Sinclair, Karla Faye Tucker, Archie McCafferty, Daniel Nieto | |||
| 7 | 'Gangs' | March 13, 2008 | |
| Richard Kuklinski, Philadelphia Poison Ring, Ismael Cisneros, Joseph Salcedo, Ervil LeBaron | |||
| 8 | 'The Killer's Brain' | March 20, 2008 | |
| Samuel Collins, Clara L. Harris, Diane Downs, David Berkowitz, Richard Chase, Edmund Kemper, Susan Atkins, Charles 'Tex' Watson, Leslie Van Houten, Patricia Krenwinkel | |||
| 9 | 'Face to Face' | March 27, 2008 | |
| Coy Wayne Wesbrook, Ron Luff, Diana Dial, Daniel Nieto | |||
| 10 | 'Tracking Killers' | April 7, 2008 | |
| Andrew Cunanan, Keith Jesperson, Black Dahlia Murderer | |||
| # | Title | Original air date | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | 'Manipulators' | December 7, 2014 | |
| Taylor Helzer, Sylvia White, Elmer Wayne Henley, Dean Corll | |||
| 02 | 'Control Killers' | December 14, 2014 | |
| Ronald Gene Simmons, Richard Angelo, Billy Wayne Coble | |||
| 03 | 'Rage Killers' | December 21, 2014 | |
| Gerald Stano, Benjamin Atkins, Robert Lopez | |||
| 04 | 'Stone Cold Killers' | December 28, 2014 | |
| Henry Lee Lucas, Maksim Gelman, Joseph Paul Franklin | |||
| 05 | 'Sexual Deviants' | January 4, 2015 | |
| Wayne Adam Ford, Richard Hooten, Gerard John Schaefer | |||
| 06 | 'Fantasy Killers' | January 11, 2015 | |
| Daniel Conahan, Angela Sanford, Harvey Miguel Robinson | |||
| 07 | 'Deceptive Killers' | January 16, 2015 | |
| Darci Pierce, Doyle Kelley, Kendall Francois | |||
| 08 | 'Egocentric Killers' | January 23, 2015 | |
| Robert Ben Rhoades, Paul Devoe, David Dowler | |||
| 09 | 'Attention Seekers' | January 30, 2015 | |
| George Russell, Eddie Seda, Terry Caylor | |||
| 10 | 'Predators' | February 26, 2015 | |
| David Elliot Penton, Jack Owen Spillman, Levi King | |||
Stone researched hundreds of killers and their methods and motives to develop his hierarchy of 'evil'.[3] The scale ranges from Category 1, those who kill in self-defense, to the Category 22, serial torturer-murderers. Dr. Stone described the categories of the scale in his book The Anatomy of Evil, published in 2009.[4] In a follow-up book, The New Evil: Understanding the Emergence of Modern Violent Crime, published in 2019, he and coauthor Dr. Gary Brucato, a clinical psychologist and researcher, break down the individual categories of the scale in detail.[5]
Download songs sung in let it shine. Neurologists, psychologists, and other forensic psychiatrists are interviewed on the show in an attempt to examine and profile the minds of notorious killers. Partial re-enactments are shown along with news footage, evidence, and reports from locals. Neurological, environmental, and genetic factors are examined to help determine what drives a person to kill. Background history and pre-meditation are considered when placing an individual on the scale of evil. The show indirectly deals with the concepts of morality and ethics.
Only criminals profiled on the show to be included below
| Category | Criteria | People |
|---|---|---|
| 01 | Those who have killed in self-defense, and who do not show traces of psychopathy. | |
| 02 | Jealous lovers who committed murder; although egocentric or immature, they are not psychopaths. | Samuel Collins |
| 03 | Willing companions of killers: aberrant personality, impulse-ridden, with some antisocial traits. | Leslie Van Houten |
| 04 | Those who have killed in self-defense, but had been extremely provocative toward the victim for that to happen. | Susan Cummings |
| 05 | Traumatized, desperate persons who killed abusive relatives or other people, but who show remorse for their crime and are not psychopaths. | Martha Ann Johnson, Elmer Wayne Henley, Jr., Susan Wright |
| 06 | Impetuous, hotheaded murderers, yet without marked psychopathic traits. | Robert John Bardo, Billy Wayne Sinclair, Coy Wayne Wesbrook, Doyle Kelley, Daniel Nieto, Nathan Gale |
| 07 | Highly narcissistic, but not distinctly psychopathic persons—some with a psychotic core—who kill persons next to them, with jealousy as an underlying motive. | Marybeth Tinning, Mark David Chapman, Armin Meiwes, Diana Dial, David Dowler, Clara Harris, Michael Owen Perry |
| 08 | Non-psychopathic persons with smoldering rage, and who kill when the rage is ignited. | Charles Whitman |
| 09 | Jealous lovers with marked psychopathic features. | Betty Broderick, Robert Lopez, Ron Luff, Ira Einhorn |
| 10 | Killers of people 'in the way', such as witnesses. Extremely egocentric, but not distinctly psychopathic. | Rod Ferrell, Susan Smith, Darci Pierce |
| 11 | Psychopathic killers of people 'in the way', such as close friends or even family members. | Ismael Cisneros |
| 12 | Power-hungry psychopaths who kill when they are 'cornered'. | Ervil LeBaron, Angela Sanford |
| 13 | Psychopathic murderers with inadequate, rageful personalities, rage being the reason of their killings. | Ed Gein, Herbert Mullin, Martin Bryant, Karla Faye Tucker, Latasha Pulliam, Richard Angelo, Maksim Gelman, Yusef Rahman, Richard Speck |
| 14 | Ruthlessly self-centered psychopathic schemers who kill to benefit themselves. | Richard Farley, Diane Downs, John List, Sylvia Ipock White, Herman and Paul Petrillo, Sante Kimes |
| 15 | Psychopathic cold-blooded spree killers or multiple murderers. | Andrew Cunanan, Charles Manson, Charles Starkweather, Susan Atkins, Charles 'Tex' Watson, Patricia Krenwinkel, Colin Ferguson, Michael McDermott, Dorothea Puente, Archie McCafferty, Billy Wayne Coble, Benjamin Atkins, Paul Devoe, Jones' accomplices, Julio Gonzalez |
| 16 | Psychopaths committing multiple vicious acts, with repeated acts of extreme violence. | Gwendolyn Graham and Cathy Wood, Karla Homolka, Myra Hindley, Terry Driver, Theodore Kaczynski, Shoko Asahara, Michael Swango, Joseph Paul Franklin, Richard Hooten, Kendall Francois, Heriberto Seda, Levi King, Gerald Atkins, Eric Beishline, James McVey killers, Thomas Watt Hamilton |
| 17 | Sexually perverse serial murderers: Rape is the primary motive and the victim is killed to hide evidence. | Ted Bundy, Arthur Shawcross, David Berkowitz, Richard Chase, Aileen Wuornos, Wayne Adam Ford, Henry Lee Lucas, Gerald Stano, George Waterfield Russell |
| 18 | Psychopathic torture-murderers, where murder is the primary motive, and the victim is killed after a torture that was not prolonged. | Nathan Bar-Jonah, Gary Ridgway, Jerome Brudos, Keith Jesperson, Harvey Miguel Robinson, Terry Caylor, Glenn Taylor Helzer, Lipstick killer, Royce Zeigler |
| 19 | Psychopaths driven to terrorism, subjugation, intimidation, and rape, short of murder or murder is not the primary motive. | Gary Stephen Krist |
| 20 | Psychopathic torture-murderers, where torture is the primary motive, but in persons with distinct psychoses (such as schizophrenia). | Joseph Kallinger |
| 21 | Psychopaths who do not kill their victims, but do subject them to extreme torture or extreme violence. | |
| 22 | Psychopathic torture-murderers, where torture is the primary motive. In most cases, the crime has a sexual motivating factor (Sexual homicide). | Tommy Lynn Sells, John Wayne Gacy, Dennis Rader, Theresa Knorr, Charles Ng, Leonard Lake, Paul Bernardo, Ian Brady, Gary Heidnik, David Parker Ray, Westley Allan Dodd, George Hodel, Jeffrey Lundgren, Edmund Kemper, H. H. Holmes, Adolfo Constanzo, John Edward Robinson, Andrei Chikatilo, Jeffrey Dahmer, Gerard John Schaefer, Judith Neelley, Richard Kuklinski, Daniel Conahan, Dean Corll, Ronald Gene Simmons, Jack Owen Spillman, David Elliot Penton, Robert Ben Rhoades, Jim Jones, Gertrude Baniszewski |
On December 7, 2014, Investigation Discovery began airing new episodes with a new host, Dr. Kris Mohandie.
Dr. Stone, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia, said he had put the scale together based on the biographies of hundreds of killers.
What is the world coming to when the most implausible tabloid stories are actually almost true? An Arizona ranch for sale with alien visitors included, an angry parrot whose cries for help brought police running, and a charity Santa Claus arrested high on crack are among this week’s tabloid offerings ripped from the headlines (though you still have to take the ranch owner’s word for it that his home has been repeatedly plagued by aliens).
Less plausible are the rags’ big exclusives this week. The “Curse of Diana” is “destroying the Royals!” screams the Globe cover, as if Princess Di was stabbing pins in voodoo dolls before she died in a car crash. “Prince Charles hires witches to remove curse his dying wife put on royal family,” claims its “world exclusive.” Right. Why hire just one witch, when you can rent a whole coven of them?
“Trump’s Secret War on Scientology!” is the National Enquirer cover story, claiming that the president is outraged after finding that a cult “spy” has “infiltrated the Department of Justice.” While it’s true that the president has questioned Scientology's tax-free status, and equally true that the Bureau of Justice Assistance director nominee Jon Adler has pushed a highly dubious cult-backed drug detox program, he can hardly be called a “spy,' and there’s little evidence that Trump knows what day of the week it is, let alone the religious affiliations of his appointees.
The tabloid weight police are gunning this week for singer Aretha Franklin, whose “drastic weight loss is killing her,” reports the Globe, while the Enquirer claims that John Mellencamp has issued an ultimatum to lover Meg Ryan: “Eat or else!” Or else what? Apparently he “won’t wed a rail-thin Ryan.” Meanwhile the Globe claims that Brigitte Bardot is a “bloated bigot crippled by pain,” and the Enquirer claims that Sharon Stone is hiding her liposuction scars. What’s she supposed to do – post lipo scar selfies on Instagram?
People magazine devotes its cover to TV’s Property Brothers star Drew Scott and fiancée Linda: “Ready to Wed!” Isn’t that the whole idea of getting engaged? Hardly a shocker. One other small question: Who the heck is Drew Scott, and does anyone care who he marries?
With sparkling originality, Us magazine’s cover dubs actress Meghan Markle “The Princess Bride,” predicting her imminent engagement to Britain’s Prince Harry, which is hardly news. Prince Harry will join Meghan and her mother for Thanksgiving in Los Angeles, reveals the magazine, which will be a neat trick since she just flew in to London on Monday to spend time there with the prince.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us to tell us that Karlie Kloss wore it best, but only barely: she was preferred by 35 per cent of the 100 style experts the magazine found wandering the streets of New York, barely beating out Blake Lively’s 33 per cent and Jennifer Lawrence’s 32 per cent. Why isn’t such a close-run race front-page news? Because nobody gives a damn, that’s why. Us also informs us that the former Mrs. Trump, Marla Maples, learned to juggle in middle school, and that TV’s ‘Designated Survivor’ star Maggie Q keeps chunks of amethyst and citrine in her Angela Roi Madison backpack, along with a piece of onyx, “a stone that protects you from bad things people throw at you . . .' It’ll certainly protect you if you throw the onyx back at them. As always, the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, feed parking meters, and pump gas. You almost feel sorry for them.
Leave it to the Examiner to tell us about the “Ranch for sale – Aliens included!” Stardust ranch owner John Edmonds in Arizona not only claims that extra-terrestrials repeatedly visit his ranch, but that he has fought and killed 19 of them – with his Samurai sword. So, where are their corpses? They disintegrate on dying, naturally.
Santa Claus was found with a crack pipe and empty bags of crack and heroin, not to mention a hypodermic syringe, when police stopped Charles Smith in South Hackensack, New Jersey, reports the Examiner. The drug paraphernalia were resting next to the Santa costume Smith used volunteering for Toys for Tots, where kids doubtlessly bounced happily on his sedated knees. Ho, ho, ho.
The Globe uses the parrot who cried wolf (or actually, cried “Help me! Help me!”) for the inexcusable headline: “Murder Most Fowl!” Alerted by a worried deliveryman, police rushed to a home in Clackamas, Oregon, only to find an irate parrot in need of little more than a cracker. This week’s tabloids will hopefully soon be lining the parrot’s cage.
Onwards and downwards . . .